My Virtual Donation to the McCain Campaign

by Don Hank

I just got a letter from Senator John McCain, and in it he states that he values my opinions on key issues.


I am a subscriber to the NumbersUSA alerts and have read reports that McCain has not always been civil toward voters, for example, when asked impertinent questions about illegal immigration at town hall meetings. He is said to have made some indignant statements suggesting they lacked compassion for people who come to this country to do jobs Americans won’t do and who only are seeking a better way of life. Another conservative group reported that John didn’t show up to a meeting to which they had invited the leading Republican candidates, creating the impression that McCain wants to distance himself from conservatives.


Despite impatience with those of us with more conservative views, Senator McCain, possesses a quite tolerant nature, particularly toward his liberal colleagues in the Senate like Russ Feingold and Edward Kennedy, with whom he likes to sit down and draft legislation to help protect voters from their own selfish impulses to improperly assert their constitutional rights.


Some cynics would say that McCain is just sending out these Presidential Agenda Surveys because he wants to be president and now is pretending he actually cares what the little people think.


Judging from Senator McCain’s intimate tone toward me personally in that letter, I must reject that theory out of hand. For one thing, he greeted me with “Dear Fellow American.” How did he know that is my favorite form of address?


I happen to believe John McCain really cares about what I think in particular and that he ranks me high on his list of trusted confidants, almost on a par with his pal Ted Kennedy.


So here I am catapulted to the ranks of the elite, chosen by the big guy himself.


However, this put me in a delicate position, because at the end of this survey, Mr. McCain also requested a small donation of $1000 for his presidential campaign.


Now as a conservative, I have to say I had to wonder about that virtual fence idea that he and Senator Kennedy had dreamed up as a substitute for a real fence at our border. I also wondered why he put illegal immigration at the end of this survey as an afterthought under “Additional Issues and Concerns.”


In the midst of these reflections, I was struck by an intuitive revelation: Senator McCain had come up with the idea of a virtual fence because he is a genuinely nice guy and wants to make Americans feel secure even if his humanitarian impulses and high-minded ideals will not allow him actually to do things that make them safe. In other words, he is a sensitive man.


I was humbled by that realization and decided to write Senator McCain a nice letter echoing that sentiment, as show below:


Dear Senator McCain:

Thank you so much for confiding in me to take your Presidential Agenda Survey and for the privilege of donating to your campaign.


At this time I am, unfortunately, between paychecks, so to speak. At the same time, I was concerned about returning the enclosed survey form as soon as possible.


I didn’t happen to have a copy of the McCain-Feingold Act handy, but I did recall that in that piece of legislation, you and Senator Feingold had stipulated that certain actions relating to political campaigns had to be wrapped up well ahead of election time to be considered legal. Therefore, I wanted to be sure this mailing goes out early so that I will not be guilty of illegally availing myself of my First Amendment rights.


Consequently, Sir, due the urgency of this matter, I won’t be able to actually send you a physical check for your campaign at this time, and have decided to send you a virtual donation instead. You need only do the following in order to retrieve my generous gift.


After you have extracted the letter and enclosed survey, kindly look in the envelope and imagine that a fat check is inside. You can choose either US dollars or the Mexican peso as the denomination, depending, for example, on whichever voter group you are hoping to please at that time.


Then you can take this virtual check to the nearest virtual bank and virtually cash it.


I hope you will appreciate this form of payment, which I have chosen in honor of the “virtual fence” legislation written by you and your colleague Ted Kennedy.


The beauty of my donation is that, like the virtual fence, a little effort on the part of the donor can make the recipient feel really good. I sincerely hope you feel as good right now as the American public felt about your virtual fence when you two announced that bill.


Now, having taken care of that item, I have my own abbreviated questionnaire for you, Sir. Kindly fill out this questionnaire at your convenience (please check one) and return it (no donation required).


1—John McCain is running for president as

            A – a Republican

            B – a Democrat

            C – Both of the above

            D – That information is confidential

            E – One of the Mexican political parties (please specify)


Senator, now that your own state of Arizona is to have a virtual fence, some voters naturally wonder if the border might also be a virtual border, throwing into question whether Arizona would still be part of the US.


2 – If you were elected president, would you be:

            A – president of the US

            B – president of Mexico

            C – president of both countries


3 – If your answer to question 2 is B or C, should I tell my gardner Manuel that he too can vote in 2008? He is not a US citizen but would appreciate that opportunity, as long as the ballots are in Spanish. (Check one)

            A-Yes, Manuel can vote, regardless of whether he is a citizen of the US. I am a compassionate internationalist and have no patience with the 70% of Americans who hold the bigoted view that Mexicans aren’t US citizens______

            B-No, Manuel cannot vote if he is not a US citizen. That would be illegal. He is only allowed to cross the border and live here illegally using someone else’s social security number, drive without a license and import illegal drugs (we’ll arrest the border agents if they try to stop him), not to vote illegally. Unfortunately, some illegal actions are still illegal, even for Mexicans (That’s why I need to be president, so that Vice-President Kennedy and I can fix that, Amigo.) ______


4 – If your answer to question 2 is B or C, in the event you are elected president, would you recommend a virtual fence at our border with Guatemala, then with Belize, then with El Salvador, then with Nicaragua, and so on down to the tip of Tierra del Fuego?

            A – Yes, all of Latin America needs to be part of the US, whether they like it or not_______

            B – No, I would stop at one of the countries (specify the last country to be annexed) before annexing them all. _______


That is all the questions I have for now, Senator. Thank you again for the rare opportunity to help your campaign with my valued opinions and a generous donation! Please remember who helped you get to the White House.


Wishing you all the best, I remain,

Virtually Yours,


Don Laigle

Our Movement is International

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